Beete pal, thehri yaadein....
Aisa koi nahin
Jo aakar
Chala gaya ho
Jo bhi aaya
Maano ret mein apne
Kadmon ke nishan
Chhod gaya
Phir
ek kaatil leher aayi
aur sab kuch baha le gayi…
Us lehar ke saath
har pal, har lamha dhundla ho gaya.
Sab kuch beet gaya
nahin beete to tum.
Us geeli ret par
aaj bhi tumhare kadmon
ke nishan nazar aate hain….
Unglion se choo sakti hun main unhe
Unke talwon ki lakeere
padh sakti hun
Woh lakeere jo meri lakeeron
Se kabhi mil nahin payee
Kabhi kabhi sochti hun..
Jab sab kuch beh gaya
To tum kyun nahin?
Jo aakar
Chala gaya ho
Jo bhi aaya
Maano ret mein apne
Kadmon ke nishan
Chhod gaya
Phir
ek kaatil leher aayi
aur sab kuch baha le gayi…
Us lehar ke saath
har pal, har lamha dhundla ho gaya.
Sab kuch beet gaya
nahin beete to tum.
Us geeli ret par
aaj bhi tumhare kadmon
ke nishan nazar aate hain….
Unglion se choo sakti hun main unhe
Unke talwon ki lakeere
padh sakti hun
Woh lakeere jo meri lakeeron
Se kabhi mil nahin payee
Kabhi kabhi sochti hun..
Jab sab kuch beh gaya
To tum kyun nahin?
posted by Shilpa F D'Mello at 2:37 AM
3 Comments:
poem is indeed nice but I feel it lacks continuity somewhere, specially after fifth stanza, you can improve upon it by adding a line in every alternative stanza. The first lines of some stanzas, like the third can carry some more weight, and those of fourth and fifth, some less. Repetitive words 'US' can be deleted. the 4th can read as 'lehar ke saath', and the fifth 'geeli ret par'. The pronoun is obvious. These are suggestions only. The thoguht is wonderful! All the best, Cheers!
आपकी सभी कविताये पढी...बहुत सुन्दर लिखती है आप.. Beete pal, thehri yaadein...."सुन्दर और भावपूर्ण कविता लगी... ऐसा महसूस हुआ की कविता सिर्फ लिखी ही नही जीयी भी गयी है.. सारे शब्द सार्थक लगे..यू ही लिखती रहे.
शुभकामनाये...
-विज
Hi, you write beautifully, somewhere in your writing I found a reflection of my own writing style. You can read some of my poems on www.anubhuti-hindi.org, you may also feel the same.
Keep writing and keep sharing
-Anu
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